Lincoln in the Middle
by Vargovi83
Summary: It's not easy being the middle child, especially if your Lincoln Loud. In this story Lincoln of another middle child, Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle. See what happens when Lincoln and the rest of the Louds get up to their kind of situations.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Shame

_[Opening Segment]_

_(The Loud kids are all gathered in the backyard)_

Lucy: We're gathered here today to say goodbye to Jumpy #8.

Lana: Nine.

Lucy: Nine. He was a good... Nine? Are you sure, nine? Anyway, he was a very good frog. And he led a very full life.

Luan: I remember when I stuck him in Mom's sun visor and she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk. It was hysterical.

Lucy: Farewell Jumpy #9. We know you're going to a better place.

Lana: Bye Jumpy.

_(Lincoln plants a rocket in the ground with Jumpy #9 taped to it)_

Lucy: Dad.

_(Lynn Sr. lights the rocket, Lana sniffles, Luna puts her hand on her shoulder, rocket flies up and pops)_

Luan: May he rest in pieces.

Sisters: Amen.

—

_(Lincoln and Clyde are playing catch in the schoolyard)_

Clyde: McBride winds up, bases loaded, series on the line.

Lincoln: Clyde can you just throw the ball? (he throws it too hard, ball hits Lincoln's glove) Ow!

Clyde: Oops, sorry buddy, want me to kiss it?

Lincoln: Thanks, but I think I'll power through.

_(Lincoln passes the ball back to Clyde, Clyde throws it back to Lincoln, Lincoln misses it rolls over to Kevin)_

Lincoln (aside): Oh, man. Kevin. I hate this guy. He's only been here for two weeks and he's already the most obnoxious kid in the school. Little help!

Kevin: Lose your ball-ey, baby?

Lincoln: Can I have my ball back, Kevin?

Kevin: (mocking) ''Can I have my ball back, Kevin?''

Lincoln: Come on, Kevin.

Kevin: (mocking) ''Come on, Kevin."

Lincoln: De gustibus non est disputandum.

Kevin: De kub You stink! Your new name is Stinkin.

Lincoln: Yeah, yeah my sister already calls me that just give me my ball back.

Kevin: You want it? (throws it) Go and get it Stinkin!

_(at the Loud house later that day, Rita and Lynn Sr. enter the living room carrying Lana)_

Lana: Ow!

Rita: I'll get the ice pack, Lana we told you to stop climbing that tree, it's too big.

Lana: I couldn't help it.

Lynn Sr: I know sweetheart, That's it. I've had it that sucker's coming down.

Rita: You're going to cut down the tree?

Lynn Sr: Darn Right, I'm sick and tired of raking leaves and hosing bird poop off our car. And seeing that weird face in the bark that follows you wherever you go. And now it's going after the children? No, Rita, it has to be stopped.

Lana: Can I help kill it?

Lynn Sr: Sure, sweetheart. We'll take turns.

_(the next day, Lincoln waits in the cafeteria line)_

Lincoln (aside): Usually I don't have to worry about what they serve because dad always makes my lunch, but he had some urgent matters so long story short I'm on my own today.

All right, frozen pizza the only thing Rowena can't ruin. (Kevin cuts in front of him) Hey, no cuts!

Kevin: ''Hey, no cuts.'' Two slices, please.

Lincoln: Is there any more pizza?

Rowena: Nope all out. It's American Goulash for you.

_(Lincoln and Clyde are sitting together at their table)_

Clyde: What is that?

Lincoln: I don't know. All I can identify are little pieces of carrot and I don't know, I think they're Skittles.

Kevin: Hey, look at the goulash boy.

Lincoln: Get away from me, Kevin!

Kevin: Ooh, ''get away from me, Kevin." He's so sad that he doesn't have pizza and I do.

Lincoln: I said go away please.

Clyde: Chill buddy. I got your back.

_(Takes off his glasses)_

Kevin: What are you looking at, Mc-butt?

Clyde: Light, some shadows.

Lincoln: Kevin, I'm warning you. Please leave us alone.

Kevin: Oh, Lincoln doesn't like me eating close to his face with pizza I have and he doesn't. _(takes a bite) _Pizza, pizza, pizza.

(Echoing): Pizza Pizza Pizza

_(Some sauce gets on Lincoln's cheek his heart beats heavily then he pounces on Kevin and tackles him to the ground then starts beating him with his fists)_

Lincoln: You want pizza? I'll give you pizza.

_(Rubs it in his face before bludgeoning his head into the floor, his peers all gather around to cheer him on)_

Kids: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Lincoln (aside): Wow, helping Lynn practice hockey has really paid off. I can't believe how good I'm doing.

_(In the nurses office, Kevin is sobbing)_

Lincoln: What do you mean he's only seven?

Nurse: What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice.

Lincoln: He can't be seven. He's bigger than I am.

Nurse: He's in second grade. Look at all this blood.

Lincoln: That's not blood. It's marinara. Well, that's blood, but...

_(Mrs. Agnes Johnson enters the nurses office)_

Johnson: Oh, my Goodness, Oh my Goodness! What happened?

Kevin: I want my Teletubby!

Lincoln: A doll? You can't play with dolls if you're seven. Why are you seven?

Johnson: You beat up a seven-year-old?

Lincoln: He's supposed to be 12!

Johnson: Lincoln, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs. On me.

Lincoln: Oh, man, this is the most horrible thing I've ever done. Kevin, I'm sorry.

Nurse: I think you've done quite enough.

Kevin: This is the worst birthday ever!

_(Lincoln and his younger sisters are walking home from school, Lucy is reading her brothers note)_

Lucy: 'Inappropriate' 'vicious'. Oh, wait. 'Thug', I've never seen ''thug'' before. That's the equivalent of the Nobel prize of delinquency.

Lola: Sammy Gunther ate my crayons. Can you beat him up tomorrow?

Lincoln: how many times do I have to tell you guys it was an accident I would never beat up someone younger than me on purpose!

Lisa: I believe you were very brave to stand up for yourself, usually your weak-willed.

Lincoln: Weak-willed?!

Lana: Hey, hey, pace yourself, killer.

_(Chain Saw Buzzing)_

Lucy: Whoa.

Lynn Sr: Whoo-hoo!

Lana: Dad! You cut down the tree and we missed it?

Lynn Sr: Oh, you missed it, all right sweetie. I was about two-thirds of the way through her then crack! Kaboom! My chain saw goes flying. All the car alarms go off. About 100 squirrels came boiling out of the branches. Then a pack of dogs came out of nowhere and chased them all over the neighborhood! Man, I've never seen anything like it.

Girls: Awww

Lynn Sr: Oh, don't worry, girls. You'll get to share in the best part. Cleaning up.

_(breakfast the next morning: Lynn Sr serves up toast, bacon, hash browns and very small eggs)_

Lola: Why are the eggs so little?

Rita: They're robin's eggs from the tree your father cut down. Paul Bunyan.

Luan: Well, as long as we aint _robbin_' anyone else! Ha ha! Get it?

Lynn Sr: That's nature for you. 100 years to grow, 12 minutes to cut down. There's got to be a lesson in there somewhere.

Rita: It is nice having this extra light in the room.

Lynn Sr: Wait till I bring in the wood chipper. Then it's really going to be a show.

Lincoln: I can't take this anymore! When are you going to punish me?

Rita: For what?

Lincoln: For beating up a seven-year-old.

_(All burst out Laughing)_

Leni: OMG, that's right. You must've just felt ridiculous when you found out how old that kid was.

Lori: I can literally imagine the look on your face. _(Laughing)_

_(Doorbell Rings)_

Rita: I'll get it. Oh, this is nice we should start every day with a good laugh.

Lincoln: It's not funny. It's awful. I beat up a kid who was practically the twins age, it's horrible. Don't you even care?

Lynn Sr: Well, it's nothing to be proud of son, but you told us the whole story and the kid really didn't leave you much of a choice. It was an honest beating mistake.

Lisa: I deduce that your assailant shouldn't have been assaulting someone 4 years older than himself, regardless of his size.

Lori: If he was bullying you Lincoln, you did the right thing standing up to him like that.

Lola: I've seen him around school and he's a total meanie! Thanks for pounding his face in Linky!

Lucy: You now have blackness in your soul, I have a whole new respect for you brother.

Lynn: Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.

Luna: What are you talking about dude? What enemies?

Lynn: Oh, they're out there and once they know we're capable of this they'll know we're capable of anything.

Lincoln (aside): Okay, so it's not just me, right? There's something seriously wrong with this family.

Rita: It's none of your business what we do on our property.

_(a group of their neighbors are at the front door)_

Mr. Grouse: That tree was older than your house you had no right to cut it down. We're a neighborhood. And removing trees is a neighborhood decision.

Rita: Oh, you people. For 15 years, you mowed your lawns at night so you don't have to talk to us. Now, all of a sudden we're a neighborhood?

Lynn Sr: What's going on here?

Mr. Grouse: You've caused a blight by cutting down that tree.

Lynn Sr: How is cutting down a tree a blight?

Mr. Grouse: Because now we can see your house.

Rita: Well, let me tell you something, Buddy. As far as I'm concerned you and the neighbors can all just...

_(Lincoln starts imaginig his mothers rant being Monkey-like Chattering)_

Lynn Sr: That goes double for me. I want you all off our property now or...

_(he also joins in)_

_(his sisters eventually all join in)_

Lincoln: No wonder I'm a thug. How can they act like this?

_(Later Lincoln visits a church, a synagogue, and a new age guru)_

Lincoln: Then I found out he was only seven. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had to talk to someone. I hope I'm doing this right. See, my family- we're not like regular churchgoers but I know places like this are supposed to help you feel better and that's really what I need. I did something terrible, and now I just feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean, really wrong, deep inside. I can't shake it. What do I do?

Priest: Look to the church.

Rabbi: Look to God.

Guru: Look within.

Priest: But first ask forgiveness.

Rabbi: You must atone.

Guru: You must cleanse your spirit.

( Rap Beat Playing )

The path to salvation - The path to temptation - The path to meditation - How does one define a sin? - Well, it's mostly common sense - Then you have to light incense - If you practice abstinence - It's whatever space you're in (Lincoln: Huh?) C-C-Charity - Prosperity - Clarity - Divine - Restitution - Absolution - Contribution - Palestine - Sacramental - Accidental - Mostly mental - You'll be fine - Transubstantiate - Alleviate - Who knows? - Align your spine!

Lincoln: Uh well, thanks. I feel much better. Bye.

_(Back at The Loud House, Lynn Sr is outside with a wood chipper)_

Lynn Sr: Hey girls, Where's your brother?

Luan: I don't know. He said something about being evil and he took off like a spaceship out of Florida. Haha Get it?

Sisters: (groan at the bad pun)

Lynn Sr: Uh-huh, stay back.

_(He throws some timber in the chipper)_

Lana: Wow!

Lynn: That was the coolest thing I've ever seen!

Lynn Sr: Really? All it does is instantly vaporize anything that goes into it.

_(Lynn scrunches up a less than stellar test score and shoots it in the chipper like a basketball)_

Lynn Sr: Lynn Jr. What was?! Actually, that was pretty cool. What else you got?

MONTAGE

_(Lynn Sr and the girls throw various objects into the wood chipper including a large teddy bear, a Hawaiian shirt, a watermelon, a basketball and a box full of confetti)_

Lynn Sr: Well, we've obviously run out of ideas.

_(in class the next day)_

Lincoln: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel terrible and no one understands. Even you Clyde. You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.

Clyde: I do care Lincoln, it's just think you're getting too upset about this. It'll blow over. Besides Dr. Lopez says I should stay out of peer conflicts.

Lincoln (aside): Maybe if I did something good that would cancel it out, right? Or if I'm only doing it to feel better is that selfish and doesn't count as much? Clyde? (Clyde already left) Okay. So, I just have to think of a really giant good deed. That way, I know I'll be in the plus column. I bet I can think of something great. I just have to put some thought into it.

_(Notices a flier)_

There! That's perfect. I'll run the marathon and get people to pledge money for every mile that I go. I hate running, so it'll be hard and I'll have to train for it, so it'll take dedication and it'll be helping cure diseases which no one likes. And then I can get on with my life. This'll work. It has to.

MONTAGE

(Lincoln is dressed in an orange tank top and navy nylon shorts he opens a gate releasing a large dog he gives chase, he tries to get signatures but receives many "no's" eventually people start signing after he makes a papier-mâché cast on his leg, after running from the dog, it tackles a man watering his grass, Lincoln escapes)

_(Back at the loud house Lynn Sr. and the girls have just finished planting a new tree)_

Lynn Sr: There we go.

Luna: Looks great, Pops.

Lynn Sr: Yeah? I don't know.

Now that it's in there it sort of makes me miss the old tree.

This one's a little droopy and the branches are a little spindly and there's no face.

Well, there's that little one but it's not the kindly little spooky face Oh, my Gosh! What have I done? Girls, go get my chain saw.

_(they leave, after Lynn Sr. is approached from behind by a large man)_

Man: I hear your son likes to beat up seven-year-olds.

Lynn Sr: I wouldn't say he likes it.

He's good at it, apparently.

Man: Look (pokes him) in my family we don't go for that.

Lynn Sr: Probably not a good idea to poke me.

Man: (mocking) "Probably not a good idea to poke me."

_(The next day at the school everyone is set up for a marathon Lynn Sr. and Rita enter)_

Lynn Sr: I'm sorry I beat him up but how was I supposed to know he was 15? He was huge! You should have seen the grip he had on my throat.

Johnson: Okay, peoples I need all the pledge sheets before we can begin. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lincoln: Mrs. Johnson?

Johnson: Lincoln, I am so glad you decided to do this, now, were you able to get any pledges?

Lincoln: Here. _(hands her a large stack of pledges)_

Lynn Sr: I don't suppose they're got confections around here.

Rita: This is a charity race at an elementary school.

Johnson: Good Grief! Are these real?

Rita: Well, I assume so. Why?

Johnson: Well, look at all of them, he has more pledges here than everyone else put together. If he runs the distance he is going to raise over $8,000.

Man Over P.A: Runners, take your marks.

Get set.

_(Starters pistol fires Lincoln takes his first step and then trips landing on the concrete)_

Lincoln: Ow.

_(back at the loud house in the bathroom, Lincoln is sitting on the toilet as Rita is applying rubbing alcohol to his knee)_

Rita: Okay, this is going to sting. _(Lincoln has no reaction) _What is with you?

Lincoln: Nothing.

Rita: Usually you scream like a stuck pig when I put this stuff on. You've been such a zombie lately.

Lincoln: It feels worse on the inside than it does on my knee.

Rita: What are you talking about?

Lincoln: Mom, I can't stop feeling bad about what I did to Kevin. I feel like I have a monster inside of me.

Rita: Oh, for Pete's sake, Lincoln that's no monster, that's your conscience. You should be thankful God gave you one.

Lincoln: Yeah. It feels great.

Rita: I'm serious. It's a gift. And you know what most people do with theirs? They keep them in the closet and bring them out only when they think _he's_ coming to visit. You're not like that. Good for you.

Lincoln: But I can't stop thinking about it. _(She pinches his knee)_ Ow!

Rita: Were you thinking about it just then?

Lincoln: No!

Rita: See? I promise you'll only feel bad about Kevin as long as you're supposed to. Then it'll just fade away and become a forgotten memory, now go to bed. _(he gets up)_ You're a good boy Lincoln, and I'll kick the conniption out of anybody who says otherwise including that little voice in your head.

Lincoln: Okay. Good night, Mom.

Rita: Good night, sweetie.

Lincoln: You know what? I think she's right.

_(Huh? what did you guys think? Pretty good right? let me know in the reviews. Just FYI I'm not doing these in any particular order and I'm only gonna do episodes I like)_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Bots and the Bees

[opening segment]

_(The Louds are at a photography studio)_

Photographer: Squeeze in, little closer together, chins up like baby birds lovely.

Lori: Move over.

Leni: You should move, your crowding me.

Lori: Leni you took my blue barrette!

Leni: No I took this from the dresser in my room.

Lori: We share a room and it was my dresser!

Rita: Alright that's enough you two.

Lori: Why do we have to do this? It's literally too uptight here.

Rita: We don't have a single picture of us all together at home we're a family we should have a family photo.

Lincoln: What about the photo I gave you and dad for your anniversary?

Rita: Well sweetie, that was a very nice picture of you kids all together, but we need one with me and your dad in it too.

Lana: Well why aren't the pets here?

Rita: It's hard enough keeping you kids in line let alone four animals. Where's your sister?

(Lola is standing behind a much more photogenic family striking a pose.)

Rita: Lola get out of there that's not your family.

Lola: It's bad enough I have to be associated with siblings who are seriously bad for my image, now this!

Lynn Sr: Hon, are you sure you want autumn leaves as a background?

Rita: Yes.

Lynn Sr: You didn't even take a look at the Dutch windmill's..._(Rita leaves)_ It's more colorful, Space shuttle, Hmm.

Lucy: You'll have to look at the picture first for me Lincoln.

Lincoln: Why's that?

Lucy: Because if I don't show up in the picture it'll prove that I'm a vampire.

Lincoln: You honestly believe that? At this point I'm not even gonna question it.

Luna: It's totally bogus I can't have my axe.

Luan: Well it's not like I was axe-ing to not wear my Groucho glasses. Ha ha ha! Get it?

Luna: Seriously dudette?

_(Rita approaches the photographer)_

Rita: hello I have a coupon for one 8 x 10 and two wallet size for $9.95 and that's all I want, I don't want "the golden moments collection" I don't want "the family and friends" collection I don't want "the lifetime of love" I want one 8 x 10 and two wallet size for $9.95.

Photographer: Ok, we have an installment plan if you're interested in that as well.

Lana: I brought a picture of the pets they're going to be in the portrait too.

Lynn: Cool I'll hold it.

Lana: No I'm going to hold it!

Lynn: Let go.

Lana: You let go!

Rita: Lincoln can you make sure Lily keeps her dress on?

Lincoln: No problem.

Photographer: I'm sorry but this coupon is expired.

Rita: What?

Photographer: it's expired what you want are $39.50.

_(Lynn Sr. changes the background)_

Lynn Sr: Ooh! Lonely beach I'm kind of a lonely beach kind of guy.

Rita: Lynn, please.

Photographer: But for an additional five dollars you can get our instant memories collection that comes with double silhouettes for the grandparents.

Rita: Look, will you please just do what I'm asking you...

Lynn: I'm older!

Lana: It was my idea!

_(photo tears, they start squabbling)_

Rita: THAT IS IT! _(to Louds)_ Get up, get back, come here, stand there, _(to photographer)_ go there.

_(They all do as she says)_

Rita: OK we are going to take this picture and it is going to be good that means no tongues, no funny faces, no googly eyes, no bunny ears. We are going to smile! we are going to look proper. It is going to cost us $9.95 and all of this is going to happen by the time I count to three.

_(The Louds all protest)_

Rita: One, two, three.

_(they all pose nicely for about five seconds then they all immediately return to arguing)_

(Lincoln, Clyde, Liam, Zach and Rusty enter the Loud house living room)

Zach: Okay, give me the tape.

Clyde: What if we get caught?

Lincoln: Don't worry about it. No one's home.

Rusty: I cued it up to the best part.

Announcer: It's Battle Bots! And it's a free-for-all at the battle arena.

Clyde: I thought this was an Ace Savvy featurette.

Liam: Yeah, No. This is better.

Lincoln: Come on, this is the lamest thing I've...Oh, my God! Is that real?

Zach: It's an open competition. People build killer robots put them in a ring and see which one comes out alive.

Lincoln: Killer robots?! I can't believe it. I wish we could do that.

Liam: We were hoping you'd say that.

Zach: Here's the deal: We want to enter the competition. We've got the designs, we've got the desire.

Rusty: And we're unfortunately not distracted by any kind of social life.

Zach: The only problem is that our parents would never allow us to build something that dangerous.

Liam: That means we need a place with a total lack of caring adult supervision.

Lincoln: That's my house! But those things look really expensive.

Zach: No problem. My father tries to buy my love.

All: Oh, yeah!

Clyde: Who's your daddy?

_(in the Loud parents' bedroom)_

Lynn Sr: A mandatory official dental assistant sermon all expenses paid trip to Grand Rapids, right hon?

Rita: Yep it's a dream come true, you think you can keep the kids in order until Tuesday?

Lynn Sr: Can do. _(horn honks)_

Rita: Well, there's my taxi.

_(Lynn Sr pulls her into a kiss)_

Rita: What was that for?

Lynn Sr: Just a little something to remember me by.

Rita: You know, it just occurred to me we haven't spent a night apart in 17 years, you sure your gonna be ok without me?

Lynn Sr: _(baby talk)_ I think we'll be ok without mommy for a few days.

Rita: I told you that voice gives me the creeps.

Lynn Sr: Sorry.

(Lynn Sr is in the kitchen the next morning, all the Loud siblings are gathered in the dining room)

Lincoln: Okay guys, Mom's only going to be gone for about four or five days, so we have to prioritize. What are we asking Dad for?

Lisa: I require more rubidium sulphate.

Lucy: I need a see through full-body veil.

Lori: I need a new pitching wedge.

Lola: I need better hair product.

Luan (Mr. Coconuts): My paint needs a touch up.

Luna: I need some back-up strings for my axe.

Leni: I saw this super cute miniskirt at the mall.

Lily: (babbles about a toy in a magazine)

Lana: I wanna wear my pajamas to school.

Lynn: I'm getting a belt for my pitching machine.

Lincoln: You don't have a pitching machine.

Lynn: Not yet.

Lincoln: Okay. But since I'm asking to build a killer robot I should go first.

Lola: Why?

Lincoln: Let's be honest, anything after ''killer robot'' is going to sound reasonable.

Luna: Fair point bro.

Lincoln: Dad?

Lynn Sr: Yeah.

Lincoln: A couple friends and I want to explore our engineering and machining skills.

Lynn Sr: Sounds great.

Lincoln: So, um you think it'd be all right if me and my friends build our own robot in the house?

Lynn Sr: Yeah, sure thing son.

Lincoln: (aside) Whoa, that was easy, even for him!

(That night Lynn Sr. tossed and turned before rubbing Bengay on his wife's empty pillow, his eyes shoot wide open, next he is sitting in the living room watching a war movie eating a tub of frosting)

Sarge: You got a girl Rizzo?

Rizzo: Yeah Sarge I miss her something awful, soon as I get home I'm gonna marry her. *gunshots* aah!

Sarge: RIZZO!

(Lincoln and his friends are gathered in the dining room brainstorming with blueprints)

Liam: We need more torque!

Zach: No, we need a balance between speed and torque.

Lincoln: (aside) This is great. I can make a huge mess, build a killer robot and Mom's not here to get all suspicious about it.

Rusty: Do we all want a direct, continuous linear relation between the rotary actuator and the robot's translational displacement or am I just some kind of crazy dreamer?

Clyde: Well, what about my design for the polycarbonate body?

Liam: It's a butterfly!

Clyde: Correction, killer butterfly. Beautiful yet deadly. The perfect killing machine. No one will see it coming!

Lincoln: Clyde as much as I value your creativity I think it's too unreliable.

Zach: It's got to be more simple, like a sledgehammer or...

Lincoln: A superheated spike shot out by power charges.

Liam: That'll be easier said than done because...

_(Lynn Sr enters from the kitchen)_

Lynn Sr: What's this stuff?

Lincoln: We were just sort of brainstorming some ideas. Seeing which one would work best.

Lynn Sr: Let's have a look. Well I'd go with the flame thrower. That would destroy everything within a ten-foot perimeter.

Of course, there's a lot to be said for that high-voltage probe.

Clyde: Mr. Loud, before you continue, I feel I have to mention that our parents strongly disapprove of this.

_(The others shoot him a glare)_

Clyde: Sorry, Dr. Lopez says it's a compulsion.

Lynn Sr: Well, I guess you shouldn't tell your parents, then.

_(They all look shocked)_

Zach: Wow. Your dad's lack of responsibility is both terrifying and oddly thrilling.

_(That night Lynn Sr. tries to call Rita but she is too occupied, Lynn throws scissors into the ceiling and moves before they fall back down chewing on licorice)_

_(The next morning, Lincoln goes downstairs to the living room in his PJs)_

Lincoln: Dad?

Lynn Sr: Oh, hey, son.

Lincoln: What are you doing?

Lynn Sr: I just thought I'd give you boys a hand with your robot. You know, it's amazing how much you can get accomplished when you don't sleep at all. I think we got a little something up our sleeve for the competition.

_(Lincoln puts on safety goggles and the blade slices a chair in half)_

Lincoln: (shocked) Dad!

Lynn Sr: I know, it's still a little slow. But wait till I put on the big blade.

_(Later that day, all the Loud siblings were on the couch watching a kung fu movie)_

Yusha: I eat your heart and thus avenge my father!

Lincoln: (aside) Well, we just finished the 45th and final episode of the Xiaolin Dragon series. We are now officially desensitized to violence.

_(Lola finishes eating a candy bar and throws the wrapper in an alarmingly big pile of wrappers)_

Lincoln: How many candy bars have you had?

Lola: (hyper) I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! Look, I can write on my tongue.

Lana: (jumping out of the pile of wrappers) Me too! (Lily also emerges and giggles)

Lynn: Well we can start in on Monks of Death or lighten things up with a little Samurai Bloodfest.

Lucy: Monks are far darker.

Leni: But that Sam R.I. guy sounds kinda cute.

Lynn: _(facepalm)_

_(knocking on door, Clyde, Zach, Rusty and Liam are there) _

Rusty: We've had a vote. We're backing out of the contest.

Lincoln: What?

Zach: Your dad has commandeered this project and twisted it toward his own mad ends. He's gone off the deep end!

Liam: We want our blueprints back.

Lincoln: Clyde you too?

Clyde: Sorry buddy, it's just I have a feeling this is going to get worse before it gets better.

Lincoln: Come on, my dad's in the backyard.

(Lynn Sr. is working on the robot while listening to "Fire" by the Chicago Players)

Lincoln: Dad?

Lynn Sr: Hey, boys.

Lincoln: The guys want their—Are you wearing moms girdle?

Lynn Sr: Oh, this? No, I'm just didn't want to get my nice shirt all greasy. Listen, don't tell your mom, okay? She'd kill me if she found out. Oh, God, how I miss that woman.

Lincoln: Um, the guys want their blueprints back.

Lynn Sr: Oh, yeah, they're over there.

I've gone way past that. Hey, picture this.

A laser-guided bee cannon. Bees shot out with the precision of a laser.

Lincoln: How would that hurt a robot?

Lynn Sr: Oh, come on, think. It's not for the robot. It's for the guy controlling the robot.

Buzz, zap! You're going home with a plaque or ribbon or whatever award they give you for winning.

Clyde: This will end badly, and frankly I don't wanna stick around to find out.

Liam: Me neither.

_(They leave quickly, Lincoln goes back inside)_

Lynn Sr: There we go. (dog howling) _(howls along with them while Lincoln heads back inside)_ I hear you, old fella. You're not alone.

_(the next morning Lynn Sr is in his underwear dancing to "I Just Want to Celebrate", his sisters are all dressed wildly eating ice cream, cookie dough and other various junk food) _

Lincoln: Mom being gone was fun at first but things have gone so far off the deep end were in the abyss!

_(telephone rings) _

Lincoln: Please be Mom. Please be Mom. Please be Mom. Hello?

Lynn Sr: Hello! (flat) Oh. Hi, Mr. Willerstein, Well, yes I do have a very good reason for not coming in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing pencil-pushing just didn't seem like fun to me today. Well I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

_(yanks the phone out of its plug, Lincoln looks shocked)_

Lincoln: Lisa are you guys all seriously okay with this?

Lisa: Elder brother, I am fully aware that father has lost his sanity, but given this may be our only opportunity to dress and eat whatever we want, I intend to take advantage of it for as long I can.

Lana: Come on Lincoln loosen up, this may be the only time we'll ever get to eat ice cream for breakfast.

Lola: Or cookie dough!

Luan: Freedom has never tasted so sweet.

Lincoln: Even you Luna?

Luna: I'll admit pop stars drawers aren't really my favorite, but if I can crank my axe to my own decibel level, I'm not complainin'.

Lucy: All good things come to an end Lincoln, enjoy it while you have the chance.

_(A little bit later, there is a knock at the door) _

Lincoln: Please be Mom.

_(opens door, Mrs. Agnes Johnson is there)_

Lincoln: Mrs. Johnson.

Johnson: Lincoln I was in the neighborhood and just thought I'd drop by to return this. (holds a notebook) You left it at school on Friday.

Lincoln: Wait. We need your help. My dad's lost his mind. He hasn't slept in four days, he's dancing around in his underwear. He's scheming, he's ripping phones out of their sockets. You've got to stop him.

Johnson: Don't worry, kiddo. I'll handle this.

_(They go out to the backyard Lynn Sr. has completed the robot, Lincoln's sisters are all gathered around)_

Johnson: Hello Mr. Loud.

Lynn Sr: Well, well. Who do we have here?

Johnson: Lincoln here says you could use some company.

Lynn Sr: I got my daughters, we're bonding, thanks.

_(Lynn Sr turns on the robot, entitled Rita II)_

Johnson: Oh my Goodness! what is that thing?

Lynn Sr: That thing is a little project we have been working on around here. A secret, _deadly_ project.

Lucy: Wicked.

Johnson: Mr. Loud, let's be civil here, why don't you turn off the machine and sit down?

Lynn Sr: Why don't you stop telling me what to do?

Johnson: Why don't you sit down like I asked you to?

Lynn Sr: Look cougar, I don't want you around my house anymore.

Johnson: Hey, you don't go to the single thing I won't go to the crazy thing.

_(Lynn Sr. narrows his eyes in a shady way)_

Leni: Dad, cut it out!

Luan: It's not funny anymore!

Lana: Leave her alone!

_(Lynn Sr. has pinned Mrs. Johnson to the fence grabbing her arm behind her back)_

Lynn Sr: Say ''uncle''!

Johnson: No!

Lynn Sr: Just say it. We can stop this right now with a little dignity if you just say it! One simple word.

Johnson: (under her breath) Muncle.

Lynn Sr: Uh-uh, that doesn't count, you said ''muncle". Now you have to say ''uncle'' with both arms behind your back.

Johnson: No! Let me go!

Lola: Daddy, you have to stop!

Lynn Sr: You're right honey, I've got better things to do._ (Lets her go)_

Lori: Dad, what are you doing?

Lynn Sr: I think it's high time me and Rita #2 here are going to go down to work and pay a little visit to Mr. Willerstein's Mercedes-Benz.

_(Lincoln grabs the remote from his father's hands and points the robot at him) _

Lynn Sr: Hey!

Lincoln: Dad, don't move.

Lynn Sr: What are you doing?

Lincoln: I'm stopping you from quitting your job and committing illegal acts by threatening you with a killer robot._ (aside) _I wish this felt half as cool as it sounds.

Lynn Sr: Just turn it off, Lincoln.

Lincoln: Stop being crazy.

Lynn Sr: Just put the remote down son, You have no idea what this machine is capable of.

Lincoln: Why don't you just sit down?

Lynn Sr: And why don't you just put the remote down?

Lincoln: Dad, please. I don't wanna have to do this.

Lynn Sr: Lincoln.

_(They glare at each other intensely)_

Johnson: Why don't you both just stop?!

(_the three squabble over the remote until Lori accidentally clicks the "on" button activating the robot. The robot starts whirring and uses a laser to select Lynn Sr. as a target) _

Lynn Sr: Run. No kidding. Run.

_(Lincoln, his sisters and Mrs. Johnson all run inside the garage, shut the door and watch from the window, Mrs. Johnson motherly puts her arms around the frightened younger girls)_

Lynn Sr: Oh, no.

_(The cannon fires out an entire colony of honeybees directly at him, the others inside the garage grimace in shock and disgust as Lynn Sr.'s entire head and torso is covered in so many bees it looks as though he has a sweater on)_

Lynn Sr: Call animal control.

Lori: My phones charging right now.

Leni: And you ripped the landline out of its socket.

Lynn Sr: Go to the neighbor.

Lori: Mr. Grouse is on vacation, and the Yates' are busy elsewhere.

Lynn Sr: Do something.

Lincoln: How about this, we all just sit down and no one does anything until Mom gets home?

Lynn Sr: Okay.

_(he rests his hip against the table)_

Lucy: Dad, if those bees sting you to death, I'll organize you a very lovely funeral.

Lisa: Do not worry father, due to their nature those bees will eventually need to pollenate, lose interest in you and fly away. Besides if any did sting you they'd die immediately after.

Luan: I think dads 'pollen' for those bees to 'buzz' off. Now wasn't that 'honey'?

_(sisters groan)_

Luna: How long'll that take sis?

Lisa: Oh they'll definitely go back to their hive before nightfall.

Lana: What time is it now?

Lisa: Approximately seven minutes till noon.

Lincoln: I think we could be in for a long wait.

_(Eh? Pretty good huh? If any of you are wondering why I'm using Mrs. Johnson so much it's because I see her as not only a teacher but as a kind of a second mother to Lincoln. I'll still be using other characters from the show as well so stay in the loop.)_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Casino

[opening segment]

_(Lynn is lying in bed, looking depressed, Lincoln walks in wearing shorts and carrying a rolled up towel)_

Lincoln: Boy, when you wet the tip this thing really cracks. Could you hold this for me? (She grabs it)

Hey what's that on the floor? the poem I wrote about kittens! I'll just bend over and pick it up wearing my favourite pair of shorts.

_(Lynn doesn't look even remotely interested, Cut to Lincoln talking to Rita in the kitchen)_

Lincoln: There's something really wrong with her mom.

_(The Louds are all in Vanzilla driving through a desert landscape)_

Rita: Dr. Feinstein agreed to drop off my paycheque at the house.

Lynn Sr: Kotaro's dropping off mine so it looks like we've got nothing to worry about for the next two days but having fun. Just 5 more miles kids and we'll be spending the weekend on a real Indian reserve.

Lynn: Why do they have casinos?

Lynn Sr: I don't know LJ, let's just be thankful they do.

Rita: Now kids I want you to behave this time, we don't need a repeat of the spa weekend. So no elevator races, no ghost hunting and no chemicals.

Lynn: Dang it.

Lucy: Sigh.

Lisa: Well so much for these. (Puts away her chemistry set)

Lori: Dad, Lola's gonna barf.

Lynn Sr: Sheesh, she's thrown up 4 times, you think she'd be empty by now.

Rita: We're almost there sweetie just keep your head in the bucket.

Lola: But it's starting to smell in here.

Lily: Poo-Poo!

Lincoln: You just had to jinx it, didn't you?

(They arrive at the hotel)

Kids: I call the big bed! No I get that! I want the hide-a-bed! I wanna sleep with Luna!

Lynn Sr: Now kids I'm sure we can sort something out.

Rita: (points) Lincoln, younger girls, older girls. I'm taking a bath, if anyone has to go it's now or never.

Lincoln: Can we go swimming mom?

Leni: Yeah can we?

Lynn Sr: I think I might take a quick look at the casino.

Rita: Lynn you've got two days to gamble why don't you take the kids to the pool before..Lynn?

_(He has already left the room)_

_(The kids are all in their swimsuits walking down the hallway)_

Lori: Remember Lisa, no chemicals regardless of how clean the water is.

Lisa: You pour chemicals in a swimming pool one time and you're labeled for life.

_(a hotel employee named Edgar stops them)_

Edgar: hold it their kids no one under 18 is allowed in the pool without an adult.

Lori: it's OK they're with me.

Edgar: Sorry no parent, no pool.

Luna: That's bogus we all know how to swim!

Lynn: Ok fine, we'll just go get our dad at the casino.

Edgar: Sorry, no kids allowed to the casino, either.

Lynn: I'm not gonna gamble, I just wanna get my dad.

Edgar: Look, I don't make the rules.

Lola: You're just doing this because you hate kids!

Edgar: I'm really not, it's just a happy coincidence.

_(the kids are back in their normal clothes standing in front of the locked bathroom door in their room)_

Lincoln: Mom, they won't let us in the pool without an adult. What are we supposed to do?

Rita: (Through the door): I don't know. Use your imaginations!

Luan: What? This isn't an imagination vacation! Hahaha! Get it?

Rita: Hey, there's dirt out there, isn't there? And rocks and lizards and I think a saw an old tire out in the parking lot. There are kids in the world with a lot less than an old tire to play with. So I don't want to hear another word about it!

Luna: Hey dudes, you know what I just realized about these vacations? You can never plan ahead.

Lucy: Tell us something we don't know.

_(The kids all decide to play in the games room beside the casino complete with cold drinks and a foosball table Lynn and Lana are playing)_

Lynn: Yes, I win again.

Lana: No fair, my goalie doesn't have any legs.

Lynn Sr: Hey kids.

Luna: Hey pops, how did you do?

Lynn Sr: Well, you know Blackjack is a complicated game. You have your ups and your downs. So, who wants to buy me a soda?

Lisa: It's unfortunate you had to quit, father. That shoe is full of tens.

Lynn Sr: huh?

Lisa: Tens, face guards. Ok, you have six decks. They already played out eighteen 9s, 14 8s, 12 7s, but only 2 10s. which leaves...well, you can do the math.

Lynn Sr: No, but YOU can. And that's all that matters, my little genius.

_(Kisses a puzzled Lisa on her forehead)_

_The next scene Hal is gambling while Lisa helps him from the distance so that he wins over and over again whilst the song "The Good Life" by Jesse McCartney plays in the background, Lynn Sr rubs his face with poker chips but this is short-lived)_

_(After that they sit in a dark office. Behind them there are two security guards and they are looking at a native man with grey hair_)

Lynn Sr: Of course we're terribly sorry about this. But you have to believe that this was a momentary lack of judgement. I realize now that using my daughter…

Chief: Your underage daughter.

Lynn Sr: Yeah, my underage daughter, to tab cards was wrong. I guess I was just trying to look for an activity that the two of us can do together.

Lisa: Yes, and this is really helping my self-esteem .You know, I'm not really good at sports and this made me feel...special.

Chief: My son and I cook.

Lynn Sr: Uh, it's a good thought. We'll have to try that.

Chief: In the meantime, you're banned from the casino.

Lynn Sr: Banned? Oh no no...you don't want to do that. It just wouldn't go over so well with my wife.

Lisa: Believe me, you do not want to see her angry.

Chief: I'm not banning her. Just you.

Lynn Sr: Ok, look. Let's just _(takes out the money he has won and gives it to the chief)_ forget about the 3 grand I won. Pretend never happened? Capiche?

Chief (takes the money): That's very generous of you...you're still banned.

Lynn Sr: What? Alright, then give me my money back.

Chief: I'm sorry? What money?

Lynn Sr: Hey, look pal _(some of the security guards keep him back)_. Who said anything about money? thank you.

_(Next morning. After breakfast the Louds enters their hotel room_)

Lynn Sr: I tell you I'm not that impressed with this place. You call that a breakfast buffet? Not a tangelo to be found!

Rita: What are you talking about? Didn't you see that tipi that was made entirely out of sausage? It was incredible.

Lynn: I am going to die. Why didn't anyone stop me?

Lana: Because I was winning.

Lincoln (aside): In this family, the phrase "all you can eat" is taken as a personal challenge.

Rita: I know what will cheer you up. Why don't we go gamble a little?

Lynn Sr: Well now...who says that just because you're at a casino you have to gamble? I'd rather spend some more time with my kiddos.

_(Goes to Lana who's lying on the bed and takes her arms_)

Lana: Oh stop it, daddy. Please stop.

Rita: Honey, you made me sit for 8 hours in that car listening to your full proved system for winning at Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?

Lynn Sr: We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Rita. I was thinking we might go out for a hike.

_(Opens the door and sand blows in his face)_

Rita: Ok, what have you done?

Lynn Sr: What do you mean?

Rita: Why are you avoiding the casino?

Lynn Sr: Well sweetheart, we could sit here and I could tell you all about it and you might find all very amusing. Or you could think about the fact that I'm offering to take the kids off your hands for the whole day.

Rita: Don't forget the sun block.

_(Rita leaves the room)._

Lynn Sr: Alright, group. I just happened to find a brochure in the lobby for the old El Diablo ghost town just a 5 mile hike from here.

Lola: What's a ghost town?

Luan: What do you think it is? It's a town full of dead people whose souls aimlessly wander roam the earth.

_(Lola looks terrified)_

Leni: Why can't we just go swimming?

Lynn Sr: Oh, we can swim at home.

Lisa: Where?

Lynn Sr: Come on, it will be fun. Look, they have a real working old timey ice cream parlour.

_(the kids give him an uninterested look)_

Lynn Sr: WE'RE GOING.

_(Later Lynn Sr and presumably all the kids are walking through the desert, Lori is carrying Lily in a carrying pouch)_

Lynn Sr: I don't get it. The map says the ghost town is just half an inch away.

Lincoln: Dad, we're lost. (aside): A show of hands, What sounds more idiotic? "**Let's go to the desert, kids!**" or "**Good idea, dad!**"

_(Rita walks through the casino. Suddenly Lola joins her)_

Lola: Hi, mommy.

Rita: Lola! what are you doing here? I thought you went for a hike with your father.

Lola: I couldn't. I don't like ghosts, they eat little girls.

Rita: That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as ghosts. Except for that one that will get you if you root around in mommy's dresser drawers. Come on, you're too young to be in a casino.

(_Grabs Lola's hand to leave the casino but suddenly stops) _Oh, while I'm here I might as well turn in my free spin.

Guy: That's right lady, nobody goes home a loser.

Voice in the background: Dang it, I'm ruined!

Guy: Ok, let's give it a spin.

_(the wheel spins and lands on 'Champagne dreams package" Rita gasps in delight)_

Wow, look at that you have won our champagne dreams package for two. An entire day of her and his spa treatment followed by an evening with dinner and dancing.

Rita: Well that's just perfect. My husband's out on a hike and we're leaving tomorrow.

Guy: Relax, lady. It's good for 6 months.

Rita: 6 months?! I had to work 6 months in a dentist's office to pay for this trip. Have you ever had to drain abscess from inflamed puss-filled gums?

Guy: Do you want the prize or not?

_(Rita grabs it and looks at Lola)_

_(The next scene they're sitting in their hotel room getting massages)_

Woman (who gives Lola a massage): You're carrying a lot of tension in your shoulders.

Lola: Tell me something I don't know.

_(back in the desert)_

Lynn Sr: Ok let's try and get our bearings here a little bit. Alright, here's the sun. What is it telling us?

Leni: That it's hot.

Luna: Hey, is that a fence over there?

Lynn Sr: Great job Luna, you're right. See, I told you we weren't lost.

Luan: Then where are we?

Lynn Sr: By the fence. This is a sure sign of civilization. I say we go in. Come on.

Luan: No of-fence dad, but I think that fence is there for a reason. Get it? But seriously, we should just go.

Lynn Sr: Luan it's the only sign of help anywhere around, we're going in.

(They all climb the fence and the older sisters help the little sisters)

Lincoln: Wait a minute. What if we're actually _inside _the fence, and instead of going in we're actually going _out_?

Lori: Lincoln can you not overanalyze everything it's literally too hot for any of your queries.

Lynn Sr: Listen to that. That's a plane. (Starts jumping up and down). Help here, help, we need help! We're lost! (looks at the kids) Well, shall we?

_(On the ground there is a panel that says "no trespassing")_

_(Later)_

Leni: I'm thirsty.

Lori: Yeah, we would have water if somebody hadn't used it to write SOS in the sand.

Lynn: Oh I see. You people let me carry the water and all of the sudden I'm an idiot.

Lynn Sr: Girls, relax. We've got nothing to worry about. Everything's gonna be fine. I just want you to know that I love you kids very much.

Lincoln (aside): He keeps saying that.

Leni: Oh great, now I'm hallucinating. I see a panther.

Lisa: Don't be ridiculous Leni. That's a mountain lion. (gasps)

_(A mountain lion is only a few feet away, they all scream and suddenly the mountain lion explodes. Now they scream again and run away_)

Lynn Sr: Ok, everybody ok?

Luna: Yeah, I think so.

Lynn Sr: Holy shmoli, where's Lola? Oh no. Oh no!

Lincoln: She's back in the hotel. Weren't you guys the least bit curious why she insisted on being the last one out the door? she ditched us as soon as we walked out.

Lynn Sr: Ok then. Everything is fine.

Luan: Dad, a cougar just blew up.

Lynn Sr: I meant besides that.

Lana: That's not good. Cougars don't just blow up.

Lucy: As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.

Lori: Lucy, that's insane.

Lucy: I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.

Lynn Sr: Ok, there must be some explanation It could have been caused by a blasting cap left by a miner, Oh no, that explosion was much too big. Perhaps the cougar ate some dynamite. Ok, now that I hear it out loud even that sounds ridiculous. Maybe it was just a mirage, could've been a mirage although a mirage usually doesn't ends up all over your shoes which leads me back to the whole Lucy thing.

Lucy (to Lori): I accept your apology.

_(Back at the hotel, Lola and Rita are sitting in their hotel room wearing robes and having cucumber slices on their eyes. Some women are giving them a massages)_

Rita: Oh, that feels so good. I mean you read about celebrities going to spas and enjoy these kinds of treatments, but I mean you marry young, you start spitting on kids, you can kiss this kind of thing good bye. Don't even think about getting massages for your stuffed animals sweetie.

Lola: Ok, I guess no one can fully appreciate spa treatments these days.

_(back in the desert)_

Lynn Sr: Look. It's a house! Yes, come on!

_(They go to the house)_Hello? Hello?

Luna (looks through a window) They're sitting at the table. They're just ignoring us.

Lori: They think we're trying to sell them something.

Leni: Hello we're lost, a cougar exploded. Can we use your phone?

_(They enter the house)_

Lynn Sr: Sorry... but this is kind of an emer...gency (sees that there are dummies sitting at the table instead of people)

Lana: Ok, this is really weird.

_(Lincoln notices an explosive device on the floor)_

Lincoln: Ok, I just figured this all out. Run! Aaahhh!

_(They all run out of the house)_

Lincoln: We are on an artillery range. That's why the cougar blew up. It was hit by a shell.

Lynn Sr: Are you sure?

_(The house explodes, splintered wood rains down on them they shield themselves, Lori holds Lily close to her and shields her)_

Lincoln: Pretty sure.

_("The Good Life" plays again as a montage, Lynn Sr. and the kids running through the desert. Several things, like an outhouse, a cactus and a car, explode. In the meanwhile Lola and Rita are having a nice day enjoying some quality mother-daughter bonding time as they have a nice lobster dinner and take silly pictures together)_

_(The majority of the Louds' are finally sitting at a table in a room which looks pretty similar to the room after they had cheated in the casino. They're talking to an African-American sergeant)_

Lynn Sr: Of course we're terribly sorry about this and we realize that fences are there for a reason. However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence we weren't sure if we were going in or out. You wanna explain the theory, son?

Lincoln: Not especially.

Sergeant: This is a highly classified testing ground. And I could really easily detain the lot of yours for national security reasons.

Lynn: You know what nobody has mentioned? This is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill a large group of primarily children. I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed.

Lincoln: (aside) Well, the great thing about this trip is, the next time I hear we can't afford to go on a vacation I think I might actually be ok with it.

_(Lola and Rita are sitting at a table in their hotel room)_

Hotel Guy: I trust everything went ok for you and your adorable little lady here.

Rita : She is adorable, isn't she?

Lola: Can I have some ice cream?

Rita: You can have anything you want. Tonight is our special night.

_(Telephone rings)_

Lola: I got it. Yello?

Lynn Sr: Lola? Oh thank goodness. Look, I only got one call so put your mother on so she can come get us.

_(Lola doesn't want her nice time with her mom to stop, so she hangs the phone up, Lynn Sr on the other end looks shocked and terrified)_

Rita: Who was that?

Lola: Wrong number.

_(Lynn Sr and the kids are walking through the desert again)_

Lana: My foot is killing me.

Lynn Sr: Oh, let's be brave soldiers, kiddos. We might get there after dark but we've got plenty of water and we'll be ok.

Leni: Tell us the story again, dad. Please.

Luan: Yeah, yeah.

Lynn Sr: Alright, one last time. Lola is tied to a post in the burning sun. She's coated entirely in honey.

Luan: Even her eyes?

Lynn Sr: Even her eyes. Oh oh, what's that behind her? A million fire ants. Hungry fire ants. With sharp little mandibles and itchy feet...

_(The next Chapter will be a part 2 episode that I'm skipping Part 1 because it fits for this as well)_


	4. Chapter 4

_(The next Chapter will be a part 2 episode that I'm skipping Part 1 because it fits for this as well)_

Chapter 4: Traffic Jam

_(The Louds are in Vanzilla driving home after their casino vacation, it's very hot inside the car)_

Lincoln: It's 98 degrees outside, it's 110 in here, we have to run the heater so the radiator doesn't boil over.

Rita: Honey, stop swerving.

Lynn Sr: This darn silver Toyotas been tailgating me for the last 3 miles.

Lynn: Speed up dad! We can shake him!

Lynn Sr: Sorry Junior but your old mans racing days are far behind him.

Lynn: Aww man.

_(the driver of said Silver Toyota holds up his middle finger in anger and impatience)_

Lynn Sr: Oh! Flashing the brights are we? _(swerves)_

Rita: For Pete's sake Lynn! He might be dangerous, just pull over and let him pass.

Lynn Sr: Alright Mr. Impatient you win this round. Go ahead get there two seconds sooner! That guy is an accident waiting to happen.

_(as if by instant karma, the silver toyota collides with a semi)_

Louds: Aaaaaahhhh!

_(Later, The semi is blocking the entire road as the silver Toyota is in a ditch with the driver DOA, a long traffic jam has formed behind the accident)_

Lynn: That was so cool! Did you guys see that truck jackknife and that tire fly through the air? an explosion would've been nice but you can't have everything.

Lincoln: Yeah Lynn, now we're stuck in the desert for hours with no food, water or air conditioning.

Lori: Or wifi! I can't get a hold of Boo-boo bear! There's no internet in the desert!

Lucy: Sunlight, my mortal enemy. Wait. Mortal...sigh, no I don't wanna die this way.

Luna: Ditto lil sis.

Lisa: By my calculations it asseems the level of carbon dioxide is rising.

Luan: You said it Lis, It's so hot I poured a fresh cup of coffee on my head to cool off! hehe get it? But seriously we might need a plan.

Leni: Um you guys? Did Lori just become invisible?

_(They notice she is gone, Lori has gone up to an African American police officer)_

Lori: why can't you just open one lane?

Cop: Ma'am we have to wait for the crane to get here before we can even think about opening this road to traffic.

Lori: Yes but if you just moved a couple of those police cars there'd literally be enough room to just pass on the shoulder! I mean this is just plain stupid!

Cop: Ma'am do not call a police officer stupid!

Lori: You're literally joking, that's a law now?

_(Meanwhile a shocked Lynn Sr. is in the car with Rita, Lily is in her car seat)_

Rita: Look at that they're just standing there, 500 cars full of people who actually have places to go and they're just standing around talking. What is there even to discuss?!

Hey! let me explain something to you, this is a car wreck! you're a road crew! do your job! Are you even listening to me?

Lynn Sr: That could've been me.

Rita: yeah well honey it could've been all of us.

Lynn Sr: No! no I saw the whole thing, that car was sliced right through the driver seat, you and the kids would've walked away scratch-free.

_(The Loud kids minus Lori and Lily are all walking through traffic)_

Leni: Sigh, this is awful, it's like an oven out here!

Lola: This humidity is ruining my hair!

Lisa: I fail to see the point of wandering aimlessly through traffic?

Lana: So you can find cool stuff like this. _(Picks up an old pop can)_

Lucy: An old soda can?

Lana: Hey these are worth 10 cents each now, get with the times.

Lincoln: Guys can't we just go back to the car my feet are killing...

Lana: Ice cream truck!

Siblings: Really? Where? Over there!

_(An ice cream truck arrives driven by an Asian man named Kazuo, the Loud kids run up to it first before other kids show up)_

Kazuo: Go away there is no ice cream in the truck!

Luna: _(looks through the window) _Bogus! He's totally lying dudes! there's tons of ice cream in there!

Kazuo: The ice cream in the truck is not for sale, it is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!

Lola: This is just wrong! you could make money and please children this is a senseless act! you are evil, pure evil!

Kazuo: Well if you kids aren't willing to discuss this sensibly.

_(he gets in the truck and locks the door)_

Lynn: You jerk!

Lisa: Well it looks like there's nothing we can do.

Lynn: Yes there is I can! I can! Aaaaahhh!

_(She charges at the door of the truck before slamming into it then clutching her head in pain_,_ a blonde boy in his early teens wearing a lime nylon shirt and khaki shorts speaks up)_

Isler: And the Nobel prize goes to...

Luan: Hey you're talking about my sister, good job.

Isler: I'm Isler, gray Volvo.

Luan: Luan, blue minivan.

Isler: So you want to go check out the crash site?

Luan: Sure.

Lola: Ahem.

Luan: Uh, I'll see you guys later.

Lola: It's very clear I'm not going to understand relationships until I'm in my double digits.

_(Back with Lynn Sr. and Rita who are now standing outside Vanzilla)_

Lynn Sr: Think about it Rita I stopped to pull up my sock in the parking lot, if I hadn't of done that we would've been on the road 3 minutes sooner. I would've been 200 yards ahead of where I had been! and then I'd have been the silver Toyota.

Rita: And if you had never rented _"Das Deep Booty"_ we never would've had the twins!

It's all an intricate tapestry Lynn.

Lynn Sr: It just seems like I haven't earned this second chance.

Rita: Well, if this is the mood you're gonna be in for the rest of the day, then you can watch Lily. I think I'll go find out what the rest of the kids are up to.

_(Meanwhile Lori is at a call box at the side of the road)_

Dispatcher: Ma'am?

Lori: Yes, hi did you talk to your supervisor?

Dispatcher: Yes and this phone is emergency roadside assistance only, I can't connect you to a private line.

Lori: Look I have got to get through to my boyfriend! Would you just put your supervisor on the phone?

Dispatcher: One moment ma'am. (_Poorly disguised voice)_ Hello this is the supervisor.

Lori: No it's not you're just disguising your voice.

Dispatcher: No I'm not I am really the supervisor.

Lori: You literally can't do this!

Dispatcher: Ma'am I'm about to be replaced by a machine so I can do whatever I darn well please!

_(Luan and Isler try to trespass over the roped off area)_

Sheriff: Hey, hey, hey! Where do you think you're going, young man?

Isler: It's cool, my dad's an investigator for the D.O.T. Oh, there he is. (To one of the workers) Hey dad!

_(The worker is slightly put off, and then awkwardly waves to him)_

Sheriff: Okay.

_(Luan and Isler enter the site)_

Luan: Whoa, your dad's a crash investigator?

Isler: Here's a little secret, Luan. Whenever you want something, everybody's your dad. (to another worker) Hi dad!

_(A black guy is seen awkwardly waves back at him)_

Luan: Wow this guy is cute, smart, funny and he lies to cops. I might be in over my head here!

_(Later, Luan and Isler decide to hike up a hill beside the road)_

Luan: I hope this view is worth checking out.

Isler: Ow! I hate pricker bushes! What fruit are they trying to protect anyway? Do you see anything on here worth protecting?

Luan: So why did you wanna come up here?

Isler: Just to enjoy the sights._ (Lynn is seen furiously jumping on the roof of the ice cream truck) _And check out that crazy lady. _(Lori is seen screaming inaudibly at the roadside phone)_

So, tell me about this whole comedian act.

Luan: It's pretty nice. What can I say? I just love to make people happy. Love to tickle their funny bone, you know what I'm saying?

Isler: Of course, I think that's great, I love to laugh.

Luan: Well maybe you'll enjoy this.

_(She shows him her squirting flower on her shirt, it squirts water in his face, this startles him and he falls down the hill)_

Isler: Pricker bush…

Luan: Are you Ok?

Isler: Kinda, I should've probably seen that one coming.

_(Back with the majority of the siblings standing outside the ice cream truck staring at Kazuo who licks a popsicle seemingly only to mock them before turning on the music, a little bit later Rita approaches them)_

Rita: Hey kids, your father's just being a stick in the mud, I thought I'd see what you were up to?

Leni: The ice cream man won't sell us ice cream.

Lynn: He ate an entire popsicle inside that air conditioned truck while we watched!

Rita: Ok, that is just inhumane.

Lucy: Preach to the choir.

Rita: Where's Lori and Luan?

Luna: Lori went to look for a signal and Luan went to see the crash site with some guy.

Rita: What kind of guy.

Luna: Her age, blonde, seemed nice.

Rita: Well then, this ice cream guy has opened Pandora's box, mess with my kids and you mess with mama. We can't let him hoard sweet cold relief from this oven!

Lincoln: You know mom, you make a persuasive argument. I think I know a way we can give him a taste of his own medicine we just need a little more help.

_(Back with Lori Who is talking to a construction worker, the crane has now arrived)_

Lori: so let me see if I've got this straight we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now the crane is here.

Worker: Yes it is.

Lori: and the man who operates the crane, he's here too?

Worker: That's correct.

Lori: **Then why is nothing happening?!**

Worker: Look we're not allowed to touch anything until the investigators sign off on the accident report.

Lori: But they must've finished hours ago, what are they doing now?

Worker: That's a whole different department it's really not my job to know.

Lori (fuming): Start...the..._crane_...!

Worker: You're not the boss of me.

_(Lynn Sr. talking to a bald black police officer outside Vanzilla while Lily naps inside)_

Lynn Sr: and I keep on rolling it around in my head, what have I done with my life? What is my contribution? You go home at night knowing you made the world a better place by forging that thin blue line. Do you know how special you are?

_(He places his hand on the cops shoulder the cop gives him a stern glare, next scene Lynn Sr. is forced to take a DUI test by touching his nose and spelling the alphabet backwards)_

Lynn Sr: ...Z, Y, X, W...

_(back at the ice cream truck Kazuo is reading a magazine until he hears banging coming from the back of the truck, Lincoln and Lynn are using a crowbar to try and pry the doors open but they are shortly apprehended by a large bearded man named Mr. Wells)_

Mr. Wells: Hey not so fast Charlie!

Lincoln: Hey! Let go!

Mr. Wells: What do you think you're doing?

Lynn: Nothing we were just going for a walk.

Rita: Excuse me what are you doing to my kids?

Kazuo: What's going on?

Mr. Wells: These kids was trying to break into your truck.

Lynn: Let go we just want some ice cream!

Kazuo: You don't deserve ice cream.

Lincoln: Yeah well you don't deserve to be an ice cream man!

_(Lynn stomps on Mr. Wells foot allowing them to run away, he gives chase followed by Rita)_

Mr. Wells: Get back here you little twerps!

Rita: Leave them alone!

Kazuo: that will teach you to mess with me I was a surgeon in my country!

_(he gets back in the truck then gasps seeing that while he was distracted with Lincoln and Lynn all the other Loud kids and other kids had snuck into his truck and stolen all the ice cream from the freezer)_

_(While this is going on Lori is inside a crane attempting to move it while all that construction workers jeer at her, the cop she was talking to earlier approaches her)_

Worker: Try the green one!

Cop: come on out of there young lady.

Lori: You order them to move this thing right now.

Cop: Let's just get you out of the crane and then will have a little talk.

Lori: don't you dare patronize me!

Cop: OK you don't want to be patronized I'll be blunt you're a control freak, I see them all the time, but guess what? This is a traffic jam it's out of your control.

Lori: I know but I...

Cop: you can't boss it around you can't yell at it and expect it to listen.

Lori: I have been...

Cop: it will _**end**_ when it _**ends!**_ You just have to live with it there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

_(Lori reluctantly leaves the crane pushing a worker and breaking some cautionary tape, she comes across a truck with a medium brown and white dog inside)_

Lori: Who's dog is this?! I said who's dog is this?! The windows are all locked he's trapped inside, it's like 90 degrees out here? _(Clearly upset about the owners animal abuse) _Fine! It's nobody's dog? Then I guess nobody's gonna mind if I just do this! _(She smashes the window with a rock causing the onlookers to gasp)_

Lori: Oh it's OK little guy don't worry everything's gonna be..._(the dog starts growling and looking vicious)_

Lori: Aaahhh! _(the dog tackles her to the pavement and starts attacking her)_

Luna: Pleasure doing business with ya Kyle.

Lola: Nice moves out there Erin.

Lincoln: and here's your share Mr. Wells.

_(Mr. Wells was revealed to be in on their plan the whole time)_

Mr. Wells: That man left us no choice.

Rita: I'm proud of you kids you stood up for what was right.

Leni: We should save some for Lily too.

Lana: Good idea.

_(Lynn Sr. is still outside Vanzilla, he sees a pigeon trapped in a 6-pack ring)_

Lynn Sr: Aw poor little guy, OK I get it I was hoping I could deliver a baby in a taxi cab but a life as a life. Hey little guy here I'll just get your wing there, there you go little fella.

_(Just as he releases the pigeon the dog Lori released jumps up and eats the pigeon spewing feathers everywhere, Lynn Sr covers his face and walks away)_

_(Back with Luan and Isler)_

Luan: It's a good thing you have a working first aid kit, we used to but my sister ate all the band-aids.

Isler: I think I'll live.

Luan: Today was pretty fun. Ya know I was just thinking maybe you can hang out sometime it'd be cool if...

_(As Isler shuts the trunk Luan sees the license plate on his car reads Ontario, Yours to Discover)_

Luan: You're from Canada?

Isler: We're here on vacation.

Luan: I should've known I meet a nice guy who is cool, smart, funny not a member of my family and all for nothing.

Isler: but we did meet Luan and it was amazing it's fun when you get to enjoy something even if it's only for a little while. Besides we had fun.

Luan: No we didn't.

Isler: You just said we did.

Luan: That's before I knew this was all just a big waste of time.

_(A loud horn is heard to signify that traffic can begin moving again, everyone cheers)_

Luan: I gotta go_. (she turns to leave)_

_(Back in Vanzilla all the Louds are aboard, most of them enjoying the ice cream and popsicles they gained, Luan looks out the working window in the sweet spot and Lori looks unhappy as her clothing was shredded by the dog)_

Rita: Just pull out honey.

Lynn Sr: I am waiting for my turn.

Isler: Luan! Luan _(Luan looks out the window to see Isler waving a sheet of paper) _heres my phone number call me!

_(Luan reaches out to grab the paper but before they can hand it off the dog snatches it shocking them both, Luan looks at Isler confused, Isler shrugs it off, now they are out of contact forever)_

_(As they drive home the Louds have mixed emotions, those who got ice cream were all smiling, those who didn't weren't as happy)_

Luan: That was so much FUN! who'd of thought a traffic jam could be so awesome? when we go on another road trip? Ooh! how about next week...


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Lincoln Babysits

_[Cold Opening]_

_(The Loud siblings are all seated at the dining room table with an array of French fries in front of them which they are trying to divide fairly between the 11 of them)_

Lynn: This isn't fair.

Lisa: No it's completely fair.

Luan: If this is fair where's the ferris wheel? Haha get it?

All: (groan at the bad pun)

Lana: I'm getting hungry!

Lincoln: We all agreed to do this the fair way.

Lucy: they're getting cold.

Luna: Do you want them divided up fairly or not Luce?

Lynn: Leni has more than me.

Lisa: No, we all have 29 inches of fries so far. I have 3 5-inchers, 2 4-inchers and 3 2-inchers, you have 5 5-inchers, 3 4-inchers and a 2-incher and Leni has 4 5-inchers and 3 3-inchers...

_(While she is explaining Lynn attempts to count on her fingers but falls behind, Lana sneaks one fry and begins sucking on it.)_

Lori: Lana! _(takes it from her, Lisa measures it)_

Lisa: We're now going to have to assume that this was a 4 incher from the share pile. 117 minus 3 times 49 divided by 11, we all take a centimeter bite out of this one.

Lincoln (aside): last week we had curly fries, it took us three hours!

—

_(In the dining room Lincoln is wearing his blue suit talking to Rita while Lynn Sr. is nearby)_

Rita: $90 for a toy?

Lincoln: It's not a toy, it's a model. You build a model of the first actual fighter pilot jet, it teaches you about construction and historical machines.

Rita: Does it teach you to pick up your clothes, because that's a lesson I can get behind.

Lynn Sr: Besides son planes are dangerous.

Lincoln: Huh?

Lynn Sr: Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Stevie Ray Vaughn. How much proof do you need?

Lincoln: Mom, what if I...

Rita: No Lincoln, If you want this toy so badly, you can pay for it with your own money. The older girls let you into their babysitting club, you're gonna start next week, just save up for it.

Lincoln: But I don't even know what they're gonna pay me.

Rita: I'll tell you what they're going to pay you, they're going to pay you what all jobs pay. Less than you're worth and just enough to keep you crawling back for more. Now go upstairs it's bedtime.

Lincoln (aside): My persuasion skills are great, but despite how ridiculously expensive my desires are, my skills aren't going to work every single time. I've reluctantly grown to accept this. On the bright side the older girls finally let me into their babysitting club, I guess everyone gets to join eventually.

_(Lincoln is now in his PJs as are all his sisters who are all brushing their teeth in the bathroom mirror)_

Lincoln: Hey where's my toothbrush?

Lynn: I've got it.

Lincoln: Well, give it back.

Lynn: Nah.

Lincoln: But it's mine!

Lynn: Fine. _(Goes to toilet and 'drops' it in) _Whoops!

Lincoln: Ya know, that attitude is exactly why you're single. _(the rest of the sisters gasp, Lynn now looks angry)_

_(Downstairs in the parents' bedroom the parents are now in their robes cuddling together)_

Lynn Sr: How much time ya think we got?

Rita: not long enough for that look, I'm afraid.

_(Rita spots a cockroach and reacts by squashing it with a book)_

Rita: Lynn, that is the third roach I've seen today, you've gotta call the exterminator.

Lynn Sr: And miss out on watching you hunt? You're like a sexy roach killing jaguar.

_(They are about to resume when a crashing sound is heard upstairs, startling them both)_

Lynn Sr: (sigh) I'll go get the broom.

_(The siblings are all in a fight cloud save for Lily who is in the sink watching the mayhem ensue, then an airhorn sounds)_

Rita: Okay, that's enough. Everybody to your rooms, march.

_(Lana finds another roach in the hallway)_

Lana: Hey little guy.

Rita: Lynn, bring the bug spray up too!

Lynn Sr: Can do.

Leni: I haven't even rinsed yet!

Rita: Only girls who behave themselves get to rinse, why does this keep happening so often?

Lynn: Lincoln started it!

Rita: Oh right, like you didn't take his toothbrush again.

_(Lynn exasperated, walks into her room where Lucy is eyeing a key she's holding)_

Lynn: Can you believe her Luce? What's that key for?

Lucy: I don't know, It's a key that I saw Principal Huggins drop, it's my ticket to anywhere in the school.

Lynn: Sounds lame.

Lucy: I am about to expose every dark secret that miserable school hides from us.

Lynn: Sounds like a '_**you**_' thing. _(crawls under her covers and lies down)_

Lucy: I didn't expect you to understand.

_(In the twins room, Rita enters to make sure they're going to bed)_

Lola: Mommy can we have a story?

Rita: Once upon a time there were two little twin sisters who drove their mother so crazy she decided to sell them to the circus.

Lana: An evil circus?

Rita: No a nice one with monkeys and elephants.

Lola: Thank you.

Lynn Sr: Okay, let's see here, aha here we go I think I've found where they're coming in. (peels back some rotten wood) oh would ya look at...(peers in a scuttling sound is heard)

Lynn Sr: Whoa! _(he begins spraying the insect but they swarm in a mass far too big, the Loud kids peer out at the commotion) _Uh..oh boy, that's not good. Ok, kids grab your pillows we're all camping out in the backyard tonight. Let's go.

_(Meanwhile, with the Santiago's at their bodega in Great Lakes City, Bobby is in the Mercado when Ronnie Anne rushes in)_

Ronnie Anne: Hey Bobby, a package came in the mail for you, its from Lori.

Bobby: For real? So what'd Lori send me? _(opens box) _bug-infested cookies? Definitely a mixed message.

Ronnie Anne: I'm as lost as you.

_(Back to Royal Woods, Lincoln is at a large extravagant mansion owned by the Inkster's for his babysitting job)_

Mr. Inkster: and this is the living room.

Lincoln (aside): this is the biggest nicest house I've ever seen._ (admiring an emperor angelfish in their aquarium)_ Wow.

Mr. Inkster: pomacanthus imperator, we call him Barney.

Mrs. Inkster: Lincoln, we saved you some dinner.

Lincoln (aside): Dinner? Me? Saved? Dinner?

Mrs. Inkster: we weren't sure which you like better ham or filet mignon so we fixed you a platter.

Lincoln (aside): Platter?

Mr. Inkster: OK kids what time is it?

Kelly/Timmy: Bedtime!

Kelly: Yay!

Timmy: I'll race ya!

Lincoln: They're going to bed? already? so you're paying me just to hang out here for three hours?

Mr. Inkster: Well maybe 3 and a 1/2, we'll round up to 4 of course.

Lincoln (aside): Come on, there's gotta be a catch!

Mr. Inkster: Oh, and Lincoln, you can't watch television _(Lincoln looks unhappy)_ unless you turn on the satellite first, otherwise all you'll get is static.

Lincoln (aside): it's weird, my face is expressing something, oh I think I'm excited!

_(Back at the Loud house, a pest control specialist named Phil is speaking to the parents)_

Lynn Sr: I just don't understand how it got so bad so fast.

Phil: Well it's been pretty hot this year that's a big factor, but mostly it's that pile of candy bars and half eaten cereal boxes you leave in your crawlspace it's like there's some sort of creepy hobo living there.

_(Both parents stare at Lana who is a likely culprit due to her unclean mannerisms)_

_(At Royal Woods Elementary, Lucy and Haiku are exploring in the dark off limits areas of the school with a flashlight)_

Haiku: Wow, there really is a lost fallout shelter.

Lucy: Wow, this is almost as exciting as that room full of folding chairs. Let's get out of here.

Haiku: Come on, Lucy. Don't you want to explore? We might find the abandoned furnace room where they burned dead bodies.

Lucy: I didn't want to say this before, but you've confirmed it. Royal Woods Elementary is the most boring place on earth. We're not gonna find anything interesting._ (opens another door, exposing a dead man)_ I take that back.

_(They approach him and read his nametag)_

Lucy: Lester. Looks like he used to be the janitor. How long do you think he's been down here?

Haiku: I'd say November of '94.

Lucy: How can you tell?

Haiku: The date on the newspaper.

Lucy: We should tell someone about him, he deserves a proper funeral.

Haiku: No way, if we do that Huggins will know it was you who swiped his key and we'll both get in trouble.

Lucy: Yeah, but isn't that kinda sad? I mean, Lester's family will never know what happened to him. They probably still set a place for him on holidays.

Haiku: Yeah, well, judging by the empty beer bottles and nude magazines, I don't think so.

_(Cut to the Loud house, where the family are moving into the garage as the exterminators quarantine the house)_

Leni: Umm, you guys did our house just become the circus?

Rita: Well say goodbye for a couple of days kids, we're moving out.

Lori: Mom this is literally humiliating. Why can't we just stay at a nice hotel?

Rita: Because we're giving all our money to the exterminators so they can stay in nice hotels.

Lori: Touché.

Lynn Sr: Well this is quaint.

Luna: This crib is cramped.

Lynn: My butt is sweating.

Rita: It just needs to air out a little.

_(Lynn starts pulling her shorts down)_

Rita: The garage...

Lynn Sr: Come on gang, let's make the best of this.

Lincoln: I'm gonna go babysit.

Rita: It's still early.

Lincoln: They don't mind.

Rita: Are they paying you ok?

Lincoln: Yeah it's ok. _(leaves the garage and checks as soon as he's out of earshot)_. I can't believe how much these people are paying me I did the math I'm actually making more an hour than Lori and Leni do _(starts rubbing his face with his cash)_ I got to stop doing this it's creepy right?

_(Cut back to the garage, where the family are trying to keep cool. They are all wearing summer attire, Rita is holding a wet cloth over her forehead. Lana is standing under her, moving her head around, catching the drips from it in her mouth. Leni enters)_

Rita: Close the door, were you raised in a barn?

Leni: But it's cooler outside.

Lynn Sr: Are you sure?

Leni: Yeah.

_(He gets up and goes to the door, leans outside then back inside, then steps fully outside, then goes back inside again, then stands half-inside, half-outside)_

Rita: Will you please make up your mind.

Lynn Sr: There's no need for that kind of tone.

Rita: Look, Lynn. It's hot. We're all cranky. Will you please just drop it.

Lynn Sr: Fine, I'll drop it.

Rita: I think you should apologize.

Lynn Sr: Me apologize? I didn't hear you apologizing when you used up all the liquid in the chemical toilet.

Rita: Well, we have your cabbage in fish sauce to thank for that, don't we?

Lynn Sr: Girls, could you step outside for a second, your mother and I need a little privacy.

_(Cut to the backyard. The sisters minus Lucy leave the garage and sit in the grass in the backyard, then Rita and Lynn Sr. start arguing)_

Rita: Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of the girls, but you are behaving like a colossal jerk!

_(this shocks the girls with the older girls covering the younger girls' ears)_

Lynn Sr: Oh really? Well, as long as we're on the subject of colossal jerks...

_(At the Inkster's' house, where Mr. Inkster is on the balcony looking through a telescope, when Lincoln comes out)_

Lincoln (aside): I'm ready to go.

Mr Inkster: Hey, you want to see something?

Lincoln: That's ok, I don't want to break it.

Mr Inkster: Oh, don't be silly, come take a look.

(goes to look through telescope) Wow!

Mr Inkster: That's a spiral galaxy.

Lincoln (aside): These people are amazing. They're rich, they're smart. They're polite. What are they going to do next? Give me a million dollars?

Mrs Inkster: Lincoln, do you want a million dollars?

Lincoln: Huh?

Mrs Inkster: I said, did you want a sandwich to take home?

Lincoln: Oh, close enough.

_(Cut to the Loud house. It is now dark. Lynn Sr is kneeling on the grass outside, sorting through clothing being tossed out through the garage door by his wife, this has attracted the attention of all their neighbors while the girls hide out of sight)_

Lynn Sr: I only asked her out because I wasn't sure how to ask you, and I was thinking of you the whole time!

Rita: Yeah right, then why'd you keep her bracelet?!

Lynn Sr: This this isn't even my shirt I think this is Lori's, you're throwing stuff out that's not even mine!

_(The girls are hidden at the other side of the yard by the kitchen door)_

Leni: This isn't something we should get involved with right?

Luan: Honestly, I don't feel like it's not a good time to make jokes right now.

Lisa: Our parental units seem to be highly stressed out, I suggest we remain at a safe distance to avoid any confrontations.

Luna: You read my mind, lil' sis.

Lori: What do you say we go elsewhere until they calm down?

Lola: You want us to walk the streets at night.

Rita _(furious)_: **I don't wanna hear it!**

Lynn: Honestly, that's probably safer.

Lana: Agreed.

Lisa: We can probably return once they're asleep.

Luna: Hopefully they won't take their anger out on us.

Leni: Um guys? has anyone seen Lincoln recently?

Lori: He's probably still working that babysitting gig we got him.

Luan: He must be livin' it up over there.

_(Lynn Sr shields his eyes from a car's headlights that belong to Mr. Inkster, Lincoln is riding shotgun)_

Lynn Sr: hey this is a private conversation Buster! Oh yeah like you've never seen this before!

Lincoln: My mistake, I'm on the next street over. _(as the yelling becomes incoherent he sinks into the seat attempting to stay hidden)_

_(Back at the school the next day where Lucy and Haiku are going back to the late janitors dwelling)_

Lucy: You were right about Lester, I checked him out. No wife, no kids. Poor man didn't have a friend in the world.

_(opens door to the room Lester is in, where all the other members of the morticians club are having a party. Somber music is playing. One takes a photo with Lester's corpse)_

Lucy: Did you tell anyone about this place?

Haiku: No._ (Lucy glares at her) _Maybe.

Lucy: All right, that's enough! Party's over! Don't you have any respect for the dead?

Bertrand: You took his wallet.

Lucy: Lester would have wanted us to have his money. But that's not the point. This man was not just an alcoholic pervert janitor. He was one of us._ (Picks up a voodoo doll that looks like Principal Huggins)_ He hated Principal Huggins as much as we do. This man was a hero and heroes do not rot alone in basements. They are immortalized in song. They are sent off to the afterlife down the River Styx.

They are not put in widow hats or used as photo props or given fake moustaches.

_(rips off moustache, the force used decapitates Lester causing his skull to fall off his neck and roll onto the floor shocking them all)_

Bertrand: Oh man!

Haiku: That wasn't fake.

Lucy: Sigh. What do we do now?

Haiku: Go for the spare.

**[MONTAGE]**

_(In the Loud garage, the Louds are trying to get reception on a small TV with rabbit ear antennas, at the Inkster's house, where Lincoln is watching the same movie, in HD on their Plasma TV, while sitting on the couch between two large bowls of chips and Cheetos)_

_(In the garage, Lynn Sr. is serves up goulash for dinner. At the Inkster's house, where the children and Lincoln are dining in style)_

_(Loud house, the kids got out Lincoln's paradise for one pool and are all in it, Lily's swim diaper comes off, everyone's eyes widen before quickly exiting the pool due to the fecal incident except for Lily, at the Inkster's house Lincoln jumps into their lavish pool)_

_(Night at the Inkster's house, Lincoln is on the phone with Lucy)_

Lincoln: Hey Lucy, it's Lincoln, I'm having some weird thoughts and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it.

Lucy: Sure go ahead.

Lincoln: I was just wondering, do you ever feel like you don't really belong in the family?

Lucy: Lincoln, every time I enter a room people scream in fear, I think it's pretty obvious of all our sisters I'm the odd one out, you might be the only boy but I don't exactly fit in either.

Lincoln (aside): This is good at least someone else in the family knows what it's like to be an outsider.

Lucy: Hey while I've got you I was wondering if I could ask you a question. Do you know how to reattach a head to a dead body?

_(Lincoln's eyes widen, back at the Loud garage Lori and Leni are reading a teen fashion magazine, Leni turns the page)_

Rita: Keep it down!

Leni: Huh?

Lynn Sr: Don't talk to your mother like that! Go to your room!

Lori: We're in a garage, there literally are no rooms!

Lynn Sr: Are you ready to apologize yet?

Rita: No, not at all.

Lynn Sr: Me neither.

_(Lynn Sr sets up a sleeping bag outside due to Rita kicking him out of sleeping in the garage)_

Lynn Sr: Oh hey son. You know I barely see you anymore, this babysitting gig has turned into a full-time job.

Lincoln: Well sometimes I just go over there to hang out, watch TV, _live_ in a house. Dad does this all seem OK to you?

Lynn Sr: Gosh no, your mother and I have never fought for this long before, it's been days and we still haven't made up. And to be honest, I can't even remember what we're fighting about. No something is missing. Boy, look at that sky Lincoln, maybe right now at this very moment a space dad just got kicked out of his space trailer and he's looking down at us. Or would it be up? or maybe sideways?

Lincoln: Trust me dad, they're all looking down at us. _(heads inside the garage)_

_(the next day, Lincoln is back at the Inkster's for the whole afternoon)_

Mrs. Inkster: The matinee gets out at 4 so we should be home before dinner.

Lincoln: Great, what do you want me to feed the kids for lunch?

Mr. Inkster: Whatever you want, we trust you.

Lincoln: They trust me I have to say something nice back. this is why my family sucks

Lincoln: This job me like.

Mrs. Inkster: Well we're thrilled to have found you Lincoln you've really become one of the family.

_(After they leave, Lincoln is watching TV on the flat screen)_

Lincoln: I may not have been switched at birth, but I should've been, I love these people.

_(Lincoln puts his feet up on the table, bumping a remote, and the channel changes. He tries to change the channel back using the various remotes, when the channel changes to him sitting on the couch. He gets up, and starts walking towards the DVD shelf where he discovers a camera, he follows the wire to a closet where he soon discovers a Nanny cam, which had been hidden under a blanket. Next to the camera is a pile of three tapes:_

_Tape #1: LINCOLN - Used Our Bathroom_

_Tape #2: LINCOLN – Not Using Coaster_

_Tape #3: LINCOLN – 3 Extra Slices of Bologna. Lincoln looks angered and feels betrayed by the Inkster's spying on him)_

_(After Lincoln accepts his payment and heads home, the Inkster's sit down on the couch and pour some wine to view the Nanny cam footage)_

Mr. Inkster: Well let's see what our little friend got up to today.

_(In the video Lincoln walks around in view of the camera, whistling. He puts a blender on the coffee table, then tests out the motor. He then takes the jug to the fish tank, scoops Barney the emperor angelfish into it, then walks directly in front of the camera, holding up the fish in the jug, as he is about to push blend, the Inkster's gasp before he turns to speak to the camera)_

Lincoln (on video): Oh, hi. Don't worry, I never hurt Barney. He's part of the family. Just like I'm part of the family, right? And since a big part of this family has been such a huge phony, and launching secret investigations against each other, I thought I'd join in.

_(starts going through various documents on the table)_ Personal computers are great. You can file tax returns, medical records, embarrassing private e-mails. Little security tip though. Never use your birthday as your password. And hiding things in a fake peanut can, that's just silly.

_(holds up piece of paper with lipstick kiss mark on it)_

I don't know who Melissa is, but she sure wears a lot of lipstick. Anyway, I think I hear you guys pulling up in the driveway. So let's just leave it at this. I quit. I'll take my final payment and be on my way, bye.

Mr. Inkster: Who's Melissa?

_(In the yard, Lynn Sr. is washing dishes, Lincoln approaches him)_

Lynn Sr: Oh hey son, I didn't hear you pull up.

Lincoln: I decided to walk.

Lynn Sr: So how's the job going?

Lincoln: They turned out to be jerks so I quit.

Lynn Sr: Ah.

Lincoln: Dad? I'm really sorry.

Lynn Sr: What, about quitting? Eh no big deal. Lincoln you should set your sights as high as you can imagine. I know you haven't found your distinct path in life like most of your sisters but I think you can do whatever you put your mind to. Just could you do me a favor. Your mom and I aren't always going to be there to help out, so if any of your sisters dreams don't go the way they want them to, could you look after them for us?

Lincoln: Okay wait, you mean everything you just said right?

Lynn Sr: Why would I say something I didn't mean?

Lincoln (aside): See? This is what I'm talking about. This family might be rude, loud, gross and have no shame whatsoever!

Anyway, with them, you know where you stand, and they're always there when I need them.

Lynn Sr: Holy shmoli, that's it! _(immediately jumps in Vanzilla and his tires squeal as he drives away)_

Lincoln (cont'd): Things didn't turn out so bad, I made more than enough money to get my model plane. Or maybe I should use it to do something nice for my family. Take them out to dinner, treat them to a movie.

**Nah!** then I couldn't do this. _(starts rubbing his face with the money like before) _

If any of my sisters were in my position, I guarantee you they'd probably do the same thing. I know we all agreed to share any money we found. But this is money I _made_. Ya gotta love loopholes, am I right?

_(Nightfall at Royal Woods lake Lucy and the morticians club have reattached Lester's skull and placed him in a boat, akin to a traditional Viking funeral for his heroism)_

Lucy: Like the Ancient Civilizations before us, we send off this noble man with the riches he had in life, so he may enjoy them in the after-life.

_(Bertrand throws a lit match into Lester's corpse, setting him alight. Boris gives him a push and he floats away, burning) _

Lucy: Farewell, Noble Lester.

_(to Bertrand)_: It's burning really fast. How much gas did you use?

Bertrand: Half a can.

Haiku: Where did you put the can?

Bertrand: I guess I left it on the boat.

Lucy: You did what now?

Boris: Look, it's heading towards that dock.

_(a loud blinding explosion, they all shield their eyes as the dock explodes)_

Lucy: Sigh. Maybe we should have just gone with a traditional burial.

Haiku: Yeah, so what do you think? Run?

Lucy: Yeah, we should run. _(Lucy, Haiku and the rest of the morticians all bolt away)_

_(back in the Loud House garage, Lincoln, Lucy and all their sisters are fast asleep in sleeping bags on the floor. Rita tucks them all in before kissing them goodnight, Lynn Sr. enters) _

Lynn Sr: Hon, I figured it out.

_(The parents exit the garage to the front yard)_

Rita: Lynn, what are you thinking?

Lynn Sr: Remember we almost never fight because we're too busy yelling at the kids. But then I remembered just when Lori and Leni were still little, whenever we fight, you'd yell, then I'd yell, but then we'd..._**get closer**_. But see we haven't had a chance to, because we've got everyone crammed in the garage and we...

Lois: Oh my gosh you're right! But what are we going to do, we've got the kids...

Lynn Sr: Don't panic. I've got it all figured out.

_(Takes out gas masks for them)_

_(The song "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen plays as the Loud parents take each other's hand and head into the house, wearing their masks so they can enjoy some 'loving time')_


End file.
